Tuesday, June 12, 2007

5 reasons to Annex Wichita (or I have a theory about that nasty lesion in the middle of America)

I, among many others in America, have had the priviledge of seeing Wichita, KS. If you are one of these people I know that you relate to this article, hopefully you will feel a sense of community, a feeling that what you feel, the sky you see, are not only yours but part of a larger scheme connecting all of us to each other.

Part 1: Wichita Theory

Wichita theory is the notion that the butthole of the midwest, namely Wichita (doesn't the sound of the word even make you cringe a little), should be annexed from our great nation. Wichita. A realy awful place. I'm not even really that patriotic, well maybe I am, I don't know, I just know I live in this country and Wichita is stinking it up.

You: Well that sounds a little extreme.

Me: Fuck it, what has Wichita ever done for you?

You: Point taken.

Me: On to my 5 reasons why Wichita should be annexed (or, really, I'd be satisfied if we turned it into a dumping grounds for spoiled Chinese imports)

1. Wichita is the "air capital" of the world. (for real check the official page for the city of Wichita)

This is a bit of a stretch. Air capital? We've got air in Minneapolis, Chicago. Even Huston and L.A. have a little air left. And I've been to Wichita the air tastes like greasy ass.

Oh wait, air capital doesn't refer to breathing air? Fuck you, learn to speak. Wikipedia says that Wichita is the air capital of the world because it is home to six major aircraft manufacturing firms. Even better. Lets advertise how much this place sucks because that's the best we can do. Lets move to Wichita where hundreds of test planesfly over our house all day and where the rejects of Kansas probably crash planes into homes weekly. Nothing like the steady rumble of jets roaring over head in the morning to make you feel like you're alive.

2. Don Johnson and Kirstie Alley live in Wichita.

nothing says "Mom, I'm a pedaphile" like a Don Johnson greeting card.

The caption to this photo actually reads "Wichita is for fart-biters"

3. According to Money magazine Wichita is the 9th best place to live in the U.S.
3. People in Wichita lie to people at Money magazine about how great Wichita is.

Every fucking city in the U.S. was listed in some magazine, or by some study, as one of the top ten safest cities in the U.S., or the top 10 places to live, or the top 10 places to visit. So fuck Money magazine, I canceled my subscription because they hire retards to do their studies.

Wichita's website also seems very proud that Wichita is the 51st biggest city in the U.S.

No one's paying attention. 51st? Who gives a shit? I don't ever remember going to work and talking with my co-workers about who took 51st in the NHL this season or who finish 51st in freestyle swimming at the last Olympics. Why? Because no one knows who it is. No one figured it out because when the numbers get that high it's just easiest to assume every one is a loser.

Wichita: But we're the biggest city in Kansas

Me: No one cares. Kansas Sucks. Even Kansas City left.

4. The addition non-stop flights means your airport is closing, retards.

A quote from the Wichita Eagle:
"With new nonstop flights on the horizon, the number of passengers flying in and out of Wichita Mid-Continent Airport in
2007 could set a record..."

By offering nonstop flight the airport has successfully limited its commercial routes to only Kansas City and Chicago. Who is visiting the air capital often enough that you need nonstop flights to anywhere?

5. You don't believe me? Ask someone from Wichita.

I would venture to call this purely mindless if these kids weren't on my team.



Captain said...

Ha ha, nice. I can't believe you discovered wichitasucks.com. We started that site up a year ago, and got too lazy to do anything with it after a week.

Dustin said...

I happened to be googling Wichita Sucks just to see and I found the page...who knew?